


smoke from distant fires

by luckysam78



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), F/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Break Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reader-Insert, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 14:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckysam78/pseuds/luckysam78
Summary: (based on the song smoke from distant fires by will jay) you missed him but you couldn’t let him know that because you didn’t want to hurt him anymore





	smoke from distant fires

**Author's Note:**

> tw: PTSD, implied anxiety and depression  
> this is set in post-endgame where you got dusted and peter didn't 
> 
> Playlist (listen while you’re reading this fic!):
> 
> ♗Smoke from Distant Fires by Will Jay ft. Sonika Vaid
> 
> ♗Lego House by Ed Sheeran
> 
> ♗Six Feet Under by billie eilish
> 
> ♗Love me again by John Newman
> 
> ♗Thinking About by Lauren Aquilina

Everybody in high school claimed to hate high school but nobody dreaded school as much as you did. School work and issues with friendships and relationships always interfered with people’s mental health but school treated you worse than anybody ever did. Your ex-boyfriend, Peter Parker, was nice to everybody so when you broke with him, all your friends turned their back to you. Especially after what happened, the last thing you needed suffer through school alone.

A year ago, you wouldn’t have believed that you would ever be one of those losers who sat alone during lunch. Now, you scoffed at your immaturity as you sat alone in the art teacher’s classroom, hoodie on and both earbuds in. The art teacher, Ms. Berk, seemed to be the only person on the planet who still cared about you, other than Ned. But just as you had with all your other friends, you pushed him away. He was caught between you and Peter and wanted to stay as neutral as possible. Poor Ned had no idea what really happened so he didn’t want to choose without knowing who was at blame for the breakup.

You saw how torn Ned was as a middle man so you told him to go with Peter. Ned was hesitant at first but gradually, he began to feel less guilty about leaving you. Eventually, he forgot about you like everybody else did. The bell rang, signaling that lunch was over, and you reluctantly stood up from the desk, packing up your lunch. You tugged your hood further over your forehead as you stepped out into the stream of buzzing students, rushing to get to class.

You kept your eyes trained on your shoes, not wanting to make eye contact with anybody. As music blasted through your earbuds, you stopped by your locker, entering your lock combination. Suddenly, somebody pulled your hood off and you spun around, meeting MJ’s face. Sighing, you turned back to your locker and opened it, taking your backpack out of the locker. You reached for your blue composition notebook but MJ grabbed it before you could.

Normally, you would’ve just asked for whatever MJ took back but that blue notebook had been with you through hell and back and nobody but you knew what it held. You slammed your locker shut and snatched the notebook from her hand, glaring daggers at her. MJ looked shocked as you stormed away, pulling your gray hood over your head.

MJ used to be your friend as well but she heard you and Peter arguing when you came back. She couldn’t tell what you were arguing about and confronted you about it. You thought you and Peter had chosen a secluded spot to argue but somehow MJ had stumbled upon your messy breakup. You lied and told her that you had cheated on Peter so he decided to break up with you. She was so shocked about your words that she didn’t bother probing further.

As a result of your lie, MJ began to treat you roughly, obviously angry that you hurt Peter (even though it wasn’t in the way she thought you did). You couldn’t be bothered to gift back; you felt like you deserved it. Just like how you deserved to disappear again.

~

After school finally ended, you were one of the first kids to exit out of the school building. You didn’t even bother pulling your hoodie over your hair since you were just so ecstatic about leaving school. You felt a tap on your shoulder and your elevated mood dropped down to your usual deflated demeanor. Peter’s warm brown eyes were filled with sympathy, an emotion you despised, and you were about to walk away before he asked in an oddly timid voice, “Y/n, can we talk?”

As much as you convinced yourself that you were going to change by becoming tougher and not letting anybody into your life, you couldn’t help but soften when you saw the worry in Peter’s eyes. You nodded and you both walked solemnly to the small tree next to the school building where you both used to sit under and talk about the wonders of life. It was where you two would meet before missions and where you two first kissed. It was where you used to be happy with him.

“We need to talk,” Peter stated, his voice slightly wavering with either fear or anxiety. You look around at the students leaving campus in the distance, who couldn’t care less about you two.

 

“About what?” You questioned sharply, folding your arms across your chest so that he wouldn’t see your shaky hands. His eyes darted towards your hidden fingers knowingly despite your efforts to conceal your nerves.

“Everything. The breakup, you leaving the team, your behavior, and… the snap. You know, I just need to tie up loose ends. I need to move on. I can’t stand seeing you constantly being down in the dumps and I can’t stand that you’re letting MJ treat you this way because you wanted to protect me,” Peter rambled, emotions dripping across his words like glaze melting on the top of doughnuts baking in the oven. Since you visibly stiffened when he mentioned the snap, Peter had hurried through the second part of his statement.

“I don’t need to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about,” It was becoming harder to breathe by the moment as your lungs seemed to stop functioning. Peter noticed your rigidity and paused for a moment, allowing you to calm down. Even a month after you broke up, he still remembered your habits and how to react.

“You need to, even if you don’t want to. You can’t keep repressing it. If you don’t want to say it out loud, I will do it for you. You died. You snapped. You disappeared and when you came back, you haven’t been the same. Everybody was so worried about you, yet you just decided to quit the team and isolate yourself from everybody. Please talk to me,” Peter begged, the emotion in his voice swelling to an even greater degree. Finally, your outer shell cracked and tears began streaming out of your eyes. You couldn’t recall the last time you cried as it seemed like you physically couldn’t feel emotion after you came back.

“It was horrible. I spent every day wondering if you and everybody else was okay. The only action that kept me same was writing in this notebook,” You took out the blue composition notebook, the one MJ attempted to steal earlier, out of your backpack. Nobody read it except for you and by handing it to Peter, it was a sign of forgiveness and trust. He flipped through the ink-stained pages filled with heavily scrawled words.

“I spent day after day, not knowing where I was, what time it was, and who survived and who didn’t. I was almost driven insane by anxiety. I hated every moment of it so much,” Your breath grew shaky as words sprinted out of your mouth between small sobs. “When I finally came back, it was so hard to adjust. I was happy to be back but every day I experience flashbacks of being trapped and helpless. I saw how worried people were about me and I felt bad about making people feel the same hurt that eats away at my insides. That’s why I broke up with you. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”

Peter wrapped his arms around you as you cried into his arms, barely being able to breathe properly. It was the first time you let somebody into your life after the snap. You felt guilty for letting your true emotions show but also felt relieved that all these bottled up feelings were finally free.

“I still love you. I know you’re hurting a lot and I care about you and plenty of other people do. Please don’t push me away. I’m here for you.”

“Thank you. I don’t know if you still want to but… I think I want to be with you again,” You pulled away, your voice filling with hope as a small grin spread across your face.

“I love you but I think it might be better to be friends first and later, we’ll see,” Peter smiled back, offering you a hug. He had to leave to catch the train but you sat under the tree for a while, nestling into the unfamiliar feeling of comfort you missed dearly. Maybe your future wasn’t as bleak as you expected after all.

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr[@luckysam78](https://luckysam78.tumblr.com/)!  
> here is [my peter parker x reader masterlist](https://luckysam78.tumblr.com/post/177107753741/peter-parker-x-readertom-holland-x-reader)


End file.
